The Procraftinator

The Procraftinator (also known as The Bean) is a maker, cat enthusiast, amateur ufologist and licensed driver. She is best known for her signature exclamation, "holy ballsack,"^[1] her unshakable devotion to Aldi, and her policy of tripling every time estimate.^[2] She drives slow, but she turns hard.^[3]

She learns things for fun, usually between 1 and 5 a.m., and then explains them to people who did not ask. She considers this a public service.[citation needed]

Biography

Early life

Records from this period are scarce. Sources agree that she "used to love turning off [The Old Man's] computer"^[4] and that she ran her own Minecraft server before most people knew what a server was. Her house rule for Minecraft has never changed: never show your terrain.

The Mud Brick Era (2022)

In late summer 2022 she dug through the yard down to clay, announced plans for a small shelter with a living roof, and produced one (1) mud brick. "They're surprisingly strong," she reported. The Old Man asked her to "please chill on the messes for a while." The shelter remains in development.

The License Arc (2023–2025)

Training began in The Old Man's car, which was still on its full tune; a witness says "she only let the turbos sing for a brief moment." Her first interstate drive ended with only one accidental brake check, after which she wanted a "sorry im a bad driver" bumper sticker. After a rescheduled road test and a brake light that nearly ended everything, she announced in February 2025: "I GOT MY LICENSE!!!" Her stated driving philosophy is "I drive slow but I turn hard."

The Great Outdoors

A regular on the trails at Big Willow, she once walked 4 miles, wanted more, and did 8 the next day because "my body asked for more." Other expeditions on record: crayfish hunting (her car key went swimming and survived), mountain biking (ate a berm, rated it better than her first wipeout), fishing with one of The Old Man's tiny ice-fishing poles (caught nothing, "but I also went fishing mid day lol"), and the discovery of a giant morel in the yard, after which she begged that the mower not come: "I NEED TO LOOK FOR MOREEEE."

The Menards Incident (2024)

She rode a store cart around Menards for about an hour, "MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE JOKED ABOUT SERIOUS LIABILITY RELATED THINGS," and was nearly reported to a manager by teenage employees. She described it as "the most fun I've ever had in a Menards."

Hytale Day (2025)

On November 28, 2025, after a wait that began in 2018, the game finally came out. Her full statement: "THE GAME I WAITED SINCE 2018 FOR." She was unavailable for the rest of the day.

The Toothbrush Support Call (2023)

The Old Man spent more than 30 minutes on the phone with customer support about her broken toothbrush. Her complete response: "Balls."

The Chipmunk Incident (2024)

A chipmunk got into the house. The Old Man gave it the job title Dryer Vent Technician. She replied "New pet who dis" and sent a complete taming plan within the hour.

Personality

In her own words, she speaks through her humor. Her texts arrive in ALL CAPS when she is excited, s p a c e d  o u t when it matters, and signed with XD, :V, 👁👄👁 or 💀. She edits every message at least once. She believes that "empty space on the floor is actually a magnet to objects," that people should "try meta cognition," and that a joke must never be explained: "Don't say you're joking / It ruins it!!!"

She is also kind on purpose. She once comforted one dog at a shelter and the entire dog room went quiet, and she has described a gift she made as "putting some points into my kindness skill tree."

Powers and abilities

Relationships

Notable quotes

• "I wanna eat them with my eyeballs before eating them with my stomach"on food photos
• "Last time I left my phone I needed to request bolt cutters"on why she brings her phone now
• "uhhhhhhh I have consumed them."when asked about The Old Man's pickle chips
• "I just need a toilet that flush 1 NFL-regulation football"on toilet advertising
• "I hate ass hail. I personally prefer thigh or knee hail"during a storm warning
• "Look at this eagle / I'm changing species"immediately after being assigned a chore
• "In order to solve this issue, I have an extra dollar"on being a day late and a dollar short
• "Sometimes it's nice to have some wonder xD"declining to google something
• "Here's why aliens existing aren't out of question: We exist."ufology, 2022
• "I have the energy of a parrot XD"self-assessment
• "you're the UAP refueling station"to The Old Man, who said a UFO was "the UAP refueling station"
• "Look if a ghost needs my attention they can ask nicely."on the paranormal
• "Come down it's peaceful / and the ducks are fighting each other"an invitation
• "Can you close the garage door? I've evaporated"winter
• "I'm not printing anything." (next morning) "yet"on 3D printing
• "Merry Chrisis"December 25

Trivia

• Has seen freezing fog 1.5 times. It is her favorite weather.
• Believes orcas are Earth's sentient aliens, and that aliens "might taste good with some curry."
• Cheddar only. White cheese is "gross."
• M&Ms are her lifeblood. Tart clementines only; she HATES the sweet ones.
• "Pretty much every time I drive in dreams, I crash."
• Once suggested seasoning Christmas by dumping a 5-gallon bucket of snow on the living room floor "until seasoned to taste."
• Waved at a low helicopter and maintains "They MIGHTVE seen!!"
• Believes, correctly, that donuts are the best dessert because "the sugar is only on the top."
• Proved years later that her childhood "rainbow lizard" was a five-lined skink.
• Favorite food: onions. Favorite fruit: cantaloupe. Butter coffee is "the most delicious coffee in the entire universe."
• Once spent over an hour "punching, kicking, eviscerating" a 75-pound compressed beanbag, then asked whether the expensive ones are made "by an artisan sack crafter."
• Requested in writing: "Do NOT gift this insect to me alive." (A Jerusalem cricket. She wanted to roast it.)
• Cannot control herself around storms. Once got out of the car to watch one. It was too windy, so she "ended up re entering the car."

Gallery

References

1. The Procraftinator. Texts, 2018–present. Approximately 63 instances.
2. The Procraftinator. "✨triple your estimate✨." Family group chat.
3. Self-reported, 2025.
4. The Old Man, wistfully.
5. Self-assessment, XD included.

Talk: The Procraftinator